Intrusive

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<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Your alarm clock is ringing. You open your eyes. It's still dark out. You hazily remember a dream where Anne was trying to hand you a frog. Your alarm clock is still ringing. [[Get out of bed|7:00 AM]] <<set $anxiety to 0>> <<set $energy to 100>> <<set $frequency to 3>> <<set $panic to false>> <<set $dead to false>> <<set $succeed to false>> <<cacheaudio "stab" https://erinjktruesdell.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/stab.wav>> <<cacheaudio "heart" https://erinjktruesdell.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/heart.wav>> <<cacheaudio "alarm" https://erinjktruesdell.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/alarm.mp3>> <<audio "alarm" loop play>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html> <div id="text"> The kitchen lights are off. Your roommates aren't up yet. Anne usually isn't up this early, but it's strange to see Liz's door still closed. Maybe her class was cancelled. There's a knife on the counter. Liz must have left it out to dry after she cooked dinner last night. <<audio "alarm" stop>> <<timed 3s>> <<goto "HEY!">> <</timed>> </div>

''What if you picked up that knife and stabbed Liz with it? Wouldn't that be wild?'' <<timed 5s>> <<goto "7:02 AM">> <</timed>> <<audio "stab" play>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 6>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html> <div id="text"> This again. The image of you picking up the knife on the counter and stabbing Liz is etched into your brain. What if that means you actually *want* to do that? Liz could be living with a murderer - [[you.|Think About It]] <<audio "stab" stop>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html> <div id="text"> After all, that image in your mind was pretty vivid. You must have //wanted// to do that. //No, that's crazy//, [[you think to yourself.|7:10 AM]] </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You make yourself a bowl of cereal, eyeing the knife on the counter with uncertainty. You're still seeing echoes of you stabbing Liz, and having the knife out on the counter is making you uncomfortable. [[Put the knife away.]] Having it out of reach will prevent you from thinking about this again. [[Leave the knife out.]] You know the amount of anxiety you're feeling is unreasonable, and your therapist told you it was good to live with your fears. [[Google warning signs of serial killers.]] Maybe making sure you don't show any warning signs of being a murderer is the way to remind yourself that this isn't the real you. <<set $handledknifepopup to false>> </div>

Anxiety: $anxiety Energy: $energy DEBUG/Frequency: $frequency

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You re-sheath the knife and put it back in the drawer, breathing a sigh of relief. You finish your breakfast with a clear head and walk by the shut drawer on your way out of the kitchen. [[Out of sight, out of mind.|7:30 AM]] <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> <<set $putawayknife to true>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You feel a small bit of pride in this little act of defiance against your brain, but it's quickly overwhelmed by the scene you saw replaying itself over and over and over again, and suddenly the anxiety creeps back. You do your best to [[finish your bowl of cereal and get going.|7:30 AM]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 3>> <<set $energy to $energy -4>> <<set $putawayknife to false>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You pull open your phone and search "warning signs of murder." Between bites of cereal, you scroll through clickbait articles and police websites, going through lists of traits and checking your own personality against each. You do feel a little guilty though - your therapist mentioned during one of your first sessions that Google checking is not good for your mental health. Fortunately, you calm down because [[you don't match any of the signs.|7:30 AM]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <<set $putawayknife to false>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You had your laptop out last night, and you need to make sure it ends up in your bag before you leave for work. You walk into the living room to retrieve it from the couch, where you left it last night halfway through a //The Good Place// marathon. Grabbing it and making sure to grab the flash drive you need, you throw your supplies in your bag and [[head out the door.]] </div> <<set $randomnumber to random(1, 10)>> <<if $randomnumber <= $frequency>> <<timed 2s>> <<goto "Walk By Liz's Door.">> <</timed>> <<else>> <<goto "7:31 AM">> <</if>>

''Liz's door is right there. Are you //sure// you don't want to stab her? You have to do //something// with that knife.'' <<if $putawayknife is true>> ''[[Go check to make sure you sheathed it correctly.]]'' <<else>> ''[[PUT THE KNIFE AWAY]]'' <</if>> <<timed 10s>> <<goto "7:31 AM">> <</timed>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 6>> <<audio "stab" play>>

<<set $handledknifepopup to true>> <<goto "7:31 AM">>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You had your laptop out last night, and you need to make sure it ends up in your bag before you leave for work. You walk into the living room to retrieve it from the couch, where you left it last night halfway through a //The Good Place// marathon. Grabbing it and making sure to grab the flash drive you need, you throw your supplies in your bag and [[head out the door.]] </div> <<if $handledknifepopup is true>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> <<else>> <<set $energy to $energy - 4>> <</if>> <<if $putknifeaway == false>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 1>> <</if>> <<audio "stab" stop>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You take the elevator down to the lobby of your apartment building, walking outside towards the subway station a few blocks away. The weather is starting to warm up, but you won't get to see the sun during your commute. [[You head underground.|Head undergound]] </div> <<set $trainpopup to false>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You walk down the grimy stairs into the subway station and scan your transit card, stepping through the turnstile and turning left to catch the eastbound train. A train must be coming soon, because there are quite a few other people waiting on the platform. </div> <<set $randomnumber to random(1, 10)>> <<if $randomnumber <= $frequency>> <<timed 4s>> <<goto "SHOVE">> <</timed>> <<else>> <<goto "On Platform">> <</if>> <<cacheaudio "train" https://erinjktruesdell.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/train.ogg>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html> ''See that guy over there?!?! SHOVE HIM ONTO THE TRAIN TRACKS!'' <<audio "train" play>> <<timed 4s>> <<set $trainpopup to true>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 7>> <<goto "On Platform">> <</timed>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You walk down the grimy stairs into the subway station and scan your transit card, stepping through the turnstile and turning left to catch the eastbound train. A train must be coming soon, because there are quite a few other people waiting on the platform. <<if $trainpopup is true>> [[Move away from that guy.]] [[Stay where you are.|Wait for Train]] <<else>> [[Wait a few more minutes for the train.|Wait for Train]] <</if>> </div> <<set $movedAway to false>> <<audio "train" stop>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You walk a minute or two down the platform, far enough that you are too far from that guy to push him even if your brain tries to make you. Once you're far enough away to prevent yourself from killing anyone, you turn your attention to killing time [[until your train arrives.|Wait for Train]] </div> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> <<set $movedAway to true>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> It's a few more minutes before your train comes, and when it does, it's ''jammed.'' Rush hour. You find a spot amongst the crowd and are thrown backwards as you are carried [[into the city.]] <<if $trainpopup === true && $movedAway === false>> <<set $energy to $energy - 5>> <</if>> <<if $movedAway == false>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 1>> <</if>> <<if $anxiety >= 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> It's several minutes before you reach your stop downtown, and you're forced to dodge several people as you get off and [[climb the stairs to street level.]] </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You walk the block between the subway station and your office building. It's a nice day, which you appreciate since the weather's been so bad lately. The rain may be gone, but your worry from this morning bubbles back to the surface of your mind. You indulged this. You //wanted// this. After all, why else would it come from [[your own subconscious?]] </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Your brain came up with that. ''You.'' If that was the thought of a murderer, then ''you'' are a murderer. <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 4>> [[Double check that you aren't showing signs of becoming a serial killer.]] [[Text Anne, your other roommate, and ask her to confirm that you wouldn't kill Liz.|text anne]] [[Take a deep breath and use some of your mental energy to move through this thought.]] </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You pull out your phone and pull up Google, searching for "signs of a serial killer." You spend the elevator ride up to your office reading through stories of those who knew serial killers before they...well. You know. Deep breath. It's time to [[get to work.]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You take a deep breath and pull open your texts. //How do you phrase this so Anne doesn't freak out?// "Hey so. I'm really..." Nope. <<timed 5s>> "Anne, am I a..." Definitely not. <<next 2s>> "Do you think I'm..." Hm. <<next 2s>> "Hey, this is gonna sound a little weird, but...have you ever worried I might do something bad to you or Liz?" //That works. Probably.// Deep breath. Hit send. [[It's time to get to work.|get to work.]] <</timed>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 3>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You take a deep breath and do your best to push on with your day. After all, it's [[time for work.|get to work.]] </div> <<set $energy to $energy - 4>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 2>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> The office is still quiet: you're usually one of the first folks to come in each morning. You log in and check your email. Spam. All of it is spam. You take the time to delete a few emails, but leave the rest for later. It's still quiet, so you turn around when you hear the door open and [[see your teammate Tim walk in.|greet tim]] <<if $anxiety >= 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> </div>

<<set $stabtim to false>> <<set $randomnumber to random(1, 10)>> <<if $randomnumber <= $frequency>> <<goto "STAB TIM">> <<else>> <<goto "actually greet tim">> <</if>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Tim strolls up to you, bakery bag in hand. "I grabbed an extra croissant 'cause you're always in early. Here." <<if $stabtim>> Tim is making you uneasy, but it's so nice of him to have brought you breakfast. You can [[thank Tim quickly and get back to work|thank fast]] or [[chat with him for a few minutes|chat with tim]] - after all, he did something nice for you. <<else>> You take the croissant from Tim - it's still warm. You thank him heartily and [[spend a few minutes chatting.|chat with tim]] <</if>> </div> <<audio "stab" stop>> <<if $anxiety >= 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>>

''STAB TIM. YOU HAVE A LETTER OPENER RIGHT THERE. <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 6>> <<set $stabtim to true>> <<timed 4s>> <<goto "actually greet tim">> <</timed>> <<audio "stab" play>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You quickly thank Tim and turn your attention back to your work - he was so nice to think of you, but you're too worried you'll do something you don't want to. It's better for him this way. Plus, [[you have a lot to do.|start work]] <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You strike up a conversation with Tim for a few minutes before returning to your to-do list. You share a favorite football team and this weekend's game was a nail-biter. He brings up next year's draft prospects and you spend a moment pondering how far you might go in the playoffs this year before you realize your to-do list is longer than usual and [[you really do need to get to work.|start work]] <<if $stabtim>> <<set $energy to $energy - 6>> <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Mondays are usually easy, but work really piled up at the end of last week and your task list is twice as long as usual. Plus, your boss, Steve, has decided he needs hourly updates on your progress, which further hampers your work. You sigh and set your sights on [[lunch]]. <<set $energy to $energy - 25>> </div> <<if $anxiety > 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html> <div id="text"> It's nearly noon when Tim comes back to your desk. "Steve's really on us today. Wonder what's up with him." You nod in agreement. Tim points at you. "Lunch?" <<if $stabtim>> <<if $anxiety < 15>> [[Lunch sounds great, but the thought of being by yourself with Tim makes you worry about what you might do. Maybe you should just eat at your desk.|lunch at desk]] [[On the other hand, Steve is really getting on your nerves and you could use a break.|lunch with tim]] <<else>> Lunch sounds great, but the thought of being by yourself with Tim makes you worry about what you might do. Maybe you should just [[eat at your desk.|lunch at desk]] ==On the other hand, Steve is really getting on your nerves and you could use a break.== <</if>> <<else>> [[Lunch could be fun, especially since you need a break from Steve's incessant emailing.|lunch with tim]] [[On the other hand, you have about a zillion things to do and probably don't have the time to go out.|lunch at desk]] <</if>> </div>

Welcome to //Intrusive.// This is a simulation about a subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder called Pure-O. The depiction in this simulation is called Harm OCD, where the sufferer worries they will harm themselves, or friends, family, or strangers. This particular simulation is not intended to be representative of //every// person with Harm OCD or Pure-O, but instead to give non-sufferers an insight into what it looks like to struggle with this disorder and its workings. OCD is a challenging disorder. If you give in and indulge every obsession, they will only become more frequent. If you fight every single thought, or do nothing and let them pass, you'll <nobr style="opacity:65%">run</nobr> <nobr style="opacity:55%">out </nobr><nobr style="opacity:45%">of </nobr><nobr style="opacity:35%"> ene</nobr><nobr style="opacity:25%">rgy</nobr> or <nobr style= "background:#FF0000; color:black">succumb to a panic attack </nobr>before your day even begins. ''CONTENT WARNING:'' //Intrusive// includes a number of distressing passages and events, often with no warning. If you begin to experience anxiety, stop playing //Intrusive// and seek help. [[Begin.|6:45 AM]]

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You work through lunch, pausing occasionally to check in with your teammates about their progress this morning. <<set $stabtim3 to false>> <<if $frequency < 10>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <</if>> <<set $randomnum to random (1, 10)>> <<if $randomnum > $frequency>> Maybe you should have gone to lunch with Tim. [[It would be nice to have had someone to chat with.|Finish Lunch]] <<else>> Maybe you should have gone to lunch with Tim. [[It would be nice to have had someone to chat with.|STAB TIM 3]] <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You and Tim head downstairs to the cafe in your building and grab a table. The shop is packed, but you manage to get your sandwich without having to squeeze by too many people. <<set $energy to $energy - 5>> <<set $punchtim to false>> <<set $randomnum to random (1, 10)>> <<if $randomnum <= $frequency>> <<goto "PUNCH TIM">> <<else>> [[It's a nice day for a chat.|at lunch]]<</if>> </div>

''HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. YOU COULD HURT HIM.'' [[Think about something else, quick|divert]] <<timed 3s>> <<goto "at lunch">> <</timed>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 6>> <<set $punchtim to true>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You spend lunch with Tim alternating between people-watching and sharing your hot takes on Steve's management strategies. He's wrong about one thing though: your team //isn't// going to trade their star quarterback. You take a moment and realize how much you're enjoying yourself - it's good for you to get out sometimes. Before you know it, it's time to go upstairs and get [[back to the grind.]] <<if $punchtim == true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 4>> <</if>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 5>> </div>

<<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> <<if $frequency < 10>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <</if>> <<goto "at lunch">> <<set $punchtim to false>>

<<goto "the elevator">>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 2]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 3]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 1>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 4]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 5]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 2>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 4]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 5]] <<set $energy to $energy - 2>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 6]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 7]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 2>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 6]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 7]] <<set $energy to $energy - 2>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 8]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 9]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 2>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 8]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 9]] <<set $energy to $energy - 2>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 10]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 11]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 2>>

''WHAT IF YOU PUSHED TIM INTO THE ELEVATOR SHAFT? HE COULD DIE.'' [[Distract yourself.|elevator 10]] [[Take a deep breath.|elevator 11]] <<set $energy to $energy - 2>>

[[Get out of the elevator.|after lunch]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 2>>

[[Get out of the elevator.|after lunch]] <<set $energy to $energy - 2>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Back to work you go, still fielding emails from Steve. <<set $energy to $energy - 18>> <<timed 3s>> 3:22 PM: Progress? <<next 1s>> Let's meet about it. <<next 2s>> [[I've got an opening at 4.]] -Steve <</timed>> </div> <<if $anxiety >= 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> 4 rolls around, and you stroll into Steve's office. <<timed 2s>> "Come on in." <<next 2s>> You take a seat. <<next 2s>> "Don't worry, you're doing great." <<next 2s>> <<set $shovesteve to false>> <<set $randomnum to random (1, 10)>> <<if $randomnum <= $frequency>> <<goto "SHOVE STEVE">> <<else>> <<goto "steve office">> <</if>> <</timed>> </div> <<if $anxiety > 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> <<cacheaudio "glass" https://erinjktruesdell.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/glassbreak.mp3>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> "I keep checking in because Bob - " "The -" "- Yeah, Bob the CEO - keeps bugging me about this for some inane reason. I don't know why he expects us to make some earth-shattering breakthrough on a project that's already ahead of schedule. I just wanted to apologize for bugging you all day and throw him under the bus instead." You and Steve have a good chuckle and you [[head back to your desk.]] <<set $energy to $energy - 15>> <<if $anxiety > 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> </div> <<audio "glass" stop>>

''Shove him out the window. It's right there.'' <<audio "glass" play>> <<set $shovesteve to true>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 7>> <<timed 3s>> <<goto "steve office">> <</timed>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> <<if $shovesteve>> Steve was irritating you, but //shoving him out of a window?// Normal people don't fantasize about killing their bosses. [[Maybe you should ask someone if this is normal.|google]] <<if $energy < 35>> ==This is ridiculous. You would never kill Steve. Move on with your work.== <<else>> [[This is ridiculous. You would never kill Steve. Move on with your work.|back to work]] <</if>> <<if $anxiety > 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> <<if $energy <= 17>> <<goto "dead">> <</if>> <<else>> At least Steve knows he's bugging you. [[You're out of here as soon as the clock hits 5, though.|end work]] <</if>> </div>

Alarm clock sound by FreeSound User kwahmah_02 at https://freesound.org/people/kwahmah_02/sounds/250629/. Used under CC Attribution license.

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You get back to your desk, but you take a little detour by Tim's cube. "Hey Tim..." <<timed 2s>> "Hey." <<next 1s>> "Steve gets on your nerves sometimes, right?" <<next 1s>> "Of course. You know how he gets sometimes. Always worried about what Bob is gonna think." <<next 1s>> "You ever have like, random thoughts about violence?" <<next 1s>> "Because of Steve? I mean, sure, I wanna throttle him sometimes, but it doesn't mean I'm actually gonna //do// anything to the guy. You breathe a sign of relief. <<next 2s>> "Thanks Tim. Just gotta make sure I'm still sane." You manage a chuckle and head to your desk to [[wrap up what you were working on.|end work]] <</timed>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 3>> <<if $frequency < 10>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <</if>> </div>

You need to get out of here. <<cacheaudio "heart" https://erinjktruesdell.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/heart.wav>> <<audio "heart" loop play>> <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 2">> <</timed>> <<set $panic to true>>

You need to get out of here, NOW. <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 3">> <</timed>>

<<if $panic is true>> Even invisible forms of OCD can cause huge amounts of anxiety in sufferers. Pure-O is especially challenging because it often involves topics that are difficult to talk about such as pedophilia, violence, religion, and sexuality. Finding a balance between anxiety-reduction strategies and healthy practices that advance recovery is difficult. Therapy, medication, and a good support structure go a long way towards reducing anxiety and moving towards management of this disorder. <</if>> <<if $dead is true>> It's tiring, fighting your own mind every few minutes. Letting intrusive thoughts pass is an important step on the road to recovery from OCD, but it's also hard to balance with other energy-consuming tasks such as work. Often, OCD sufferers will have to make the "wrong" choice now and again to preserve their finite amount of energy, even if it means recovery is a little harder. <</if>> <<if $succeed is true>> Some days are better than others. Maybe you did a good job of maintaining a balance between anxiety-reducing compulsions and intrusion-reducing choices. More likely, you were lucky. OCD is often affected by external factors such as stress levels, exhaustion, and other triggers. Every day with the disorder is different, and brings new challenges; difficulties arise even on a good day. <</if>> Thank you for playing through //Intrusive//. You are encouraged to [[play again|6:45 AM]] to explore different choices and their consequences. You can learn more about Harm OCD and other types of Pure-O <a href="https://www.madeofmillions.com/articles/pure-o-an-exploration-into-a-lesser-known-form-of-ocd">here</a>. [[Credits]]

How could you? <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 4">> <</timed>>

One time is a passing thought. <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 5">> <</timed>>

Twice is a small fixation. <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 6">> <</timed>>

But this? <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 7">> <</timed>>

''Something is //wrong// with you.'' <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 8">> <</timed>>

''Every single one of these temptations came from //you//.'' <<timed 2s>> <<goto "panic 9">> <</timed>>

''Every. ''<<timed 1s>>''Single. ''<<next 1s>> ''One.'' <<next 2s>> <<goto "panic 10">> <</timed>>

''Go home. Spend your evening frantically Googling more and trying to ground yourself.'' <<timed 4s>> <<goto "End">> <</timed>> <<audio "heart" stop>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> It's 5:00 and your day is over. You pull out your phone to a whole host of new notifications, including a text from your friend Leyla asking if you want to grab drinks this evening. <<if $anxiety > 20>> You can't be alone with your thoughts right now, so going home isn't an option. <</if>> <<if $energy < 22>> ==YES. I'll be at Shaw's in 20.== <<else>> [[YES. I'll be at Shaw's in 20.|bar]] <</if>> <<if $anxiety <= 20>> [[Take a rain check? I'm free Thursday!|home]] <</if>> <<if $anxiety >20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> <<if $energy < 17>> <<goto "dead">> <</if>> </div> <<if $energy >= 25>> <<set $energy to $energy - 10>> <<else>> <<goto "dead">> <</if>>

tired. <<timed 3s>> <<goto "dead 2">> <</timed>> <<set $dead to true>>

you're so tired. <<timed 4s>> <<goto "dead 3">> <</timed>>

you fought hard today. <<timed 4s>> <<goto "dead 4">> <</timed>>

your brain was not your friend. <<timed 4s>> <<goto "dead 5">> <</timed>>

but you stood up to it. <<timed 4s>> <<goto "dead 6">> <</timed>>

that means, though, that you don't have anything left. [[Go home.|End]]

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You and Leyla order a couple of cocktails. She regales you with stories from last week, including //watching her boss do cocaine at the office.// You'd think engineering marketing would be a lot less wild. <<set $energy to $energy - 5>> <<if $energy < 17>> <<goto "dead">> <</if>> <<set $strangle to false>> <<set $randomnum to random (1,10)>> <<if $randomnum <= $frequency>> <<goto "STRANGLE">> <<else>><<goto "leyla chat">> <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You walk through the door of your apartment and slump onto the couch. Four more days till Friday. And at least Steve is happy with your progress. And Tim brought you a croissant and asked you to lunch. [[Today was a good day.|End]] <<set $succeed to true>> <<set $energy to $energy - 5>> <<if $energy < 5>> <<goto "dead">> <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You meet Leyla at the bar and grab a couple of cocktails. She regales you with stories from last week, including //watching her boss do cocaine at the office.// You'd think engineering marketing would be a lot less wild. You chat for an hour, having thoroughly enjoyed yourself, before you [[head home to get some rest.]] <<if $strangle is false>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety -4>> <<else>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 3>> Before you go, though, maybe you should [[ask Leyla what she thinks about what you've been going through.]] <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> <<if $strangle is true>> You decide not to get Leyla involved in your mental health and [[head home instead.|home]] <<else>> You and Leyla agree to meet up again next week, you [[head home|home]], feeling better than before. <</if>> </div>

''YOU COULD STRANGLE HER.'' <<set $strangle to true>> <<timed 3s>> <<goto "leyla chat">> <</timed>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You take a second before you leave. "Hey Leyla. I've had some stuff going on and I keep having these flashes of thoughts and I keep thinking about violent stuff and. Do you ever //worry// about me? Like, if I'm stable?" "I worry about you, Alex. But you're okay, really. I've known you for so long. You're a good person." [[Head home.|home]] <<if $anxiety > 25>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> </div>

<<audio stab play>> If you went, you'd have the chance to STAB TIM. <<set $stabtim3 to true>> <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 3>> <<timed 3s>> <<goto "Finish Lunch">> <</timed>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> <<if $anxiety > 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> You wrap up your leftovers and go to put them away. <<if $stabtim3 == false>> [[It's time to get back to work.|after lunch]] <</if>> <<if $stabtim3 == true>> You have to get back to work, but these recurring images are really bugging you as Tim walks by your cubicle. [[Strike up a conversation.]] [[Ignore Tim and turn to trusty old Google.]] <</if>> <<audio stab stop>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> </div> Doing your best to ignore the slideshow playing behind your eyes, you ask Tim about lunch. "As we all know, the office-building cafe makes the world's best gourmet sandwiches," he deadpans. "Good to know I didn't miss much. Better get [[back to work|after lunch]] so Steve doesn't think I'm slacking. He has //really// been on me today." <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 4>> << set $energy to $energy -3> <<if $anxiety >= 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Back you are at the familiar white search screen checking to make sure you haven't developed any new warning signs since this morning. Once you've reassured yourself (again) that you're not secretly a serial killer, you get [[back to work.|after lunch]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 4>> <<if $frequency < 10>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Back underground you go - the bar you and Leyla usually frequent is one neighborhood over from your office. Rush hour, though, means [[at least the trains are frequent.|arrivebar]] </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> You walk off the subway and stroll the few blocks to the bar. It's still sunny out. It's happy hour, so you order a drink and loiter until Leyla strolls through the door and greets you with a hug. [["Let's grab a table," she says.|bar2]] <<if $energy < 18>> <<goto "dead">> <</if>> </div>

<<audio train play>> HEY. HEY. YOU ALREADY THOUGHT ABOUT PUSHING SOMEONE TODAY. JUST DO IT NOW. <<set $anxiety to $anxiety + 6>> <<timed 3s>> <<goto "subwayintru">> <</timed>>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> <<audio train stop>> Yikes. This again. Same options as this morning, you figure. [[Go stand somewhere else]] or [[stay where you are.]] <<if $anxiety >= 20>> <<goto "PANIC">> <</if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Trying to escape your thoughts, you do your best to look calm as you stroll down the platform to [[wait for your train away from other people.|arrivebar]] <<set $anxiety to $anxiety - 3>> <<if $frequency < 10>> <<set $frequency to $frequency + 1>> </if>> </div>

<html><div id="overlay"></div></html><div id="text"> Deep breath. This is good for you. Your therapist said this wouldn't be easy. Focus on getting to catch up with Leyla and [[wait for your train.|arrivebar]] <<set $energy to $energy - 4>> </div>

<p style="font-size:50px; color:red; text-align: center!important">//Intrusive//</p> <p style = "font-size: 26px; color: white; text-align: center">Erin Truesdell</p> <p style = "font-size: 26px; color: white; text-align: center">[[Begin.|Untitled Passage]]</p>